By Sonal Sonawani
Our partner is the one with whom we share our most intimate feelings, emotions and connection. When the relationship comes to an end, most people can experience a deep emotional void and can maintain a connection with the ex by staying in touch and being “friends”.
A 21 year old girl was facing a major emotional dilemma when she visited me last week. “I don’t understand what is happening. I know I don’t love him in a romantic way, but I am addicted to speaking with him everyday.” I could understand how the habit of speaking to your loved one everyday can still continue even if you are not in an exclusive relationship with someone. Everything is fine till one of the partners end up dating again. Their time and emotional energy can get divided and if you are still single, you are bound to feel neglected and unimportant in your ex’s life. Your friends can still play the role of being there for you, but the deep emotional and physical connect that you once shared with this person can never be replicated. You try to start dating again and end up comparing them with your ex, eventually compromising or getting disappointed.
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This girl was in a similar dilemma and was torn between her own feelings. She was feeling possessive, jealous, and at the same time, knew that they could never date again. For the longest time, even her ex would feel the same way as her. She felt secure in this pseudo relationship. However, he did meet someone and she could not deal with it.
This is a very common scenario amongst friends who used to be in a relationship and haven’t overcome the emotional bindings to the person. Her obvious plea was that she doesn’t want to feel this way. She wants to feel happy for him, as she would for any other friend. Matters only got worse when she realised that he could truly be happy with his new girlfriend and that their relationship would turn out to be long lasting and possibly serious.
So, the question arises, “should we be friends with our ex?”. The answer is “Yes! Definitely.” However, here are a few things you need to work on within yourself so that you do not experience the same dilemma as this young girl.
Re Evaluating The Reasons For Your Breakup
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We all forget why we broke up with our partner once the friendship is smooth. You will start questioning the breakup because you’re now so comfortable being friends and are attached to each other. The entire halo effect of this new found friendship can be so confusing that you don’t remember all the reasons why you both grew apart in the first place. There have been many celebrity couples who have broken up and have maintained their friendship, only to get back together, either for good or to break up again.
Try to remember all the reasons for your breakup. The incompatibility, lack of understanding of each others needs, lack of communication, other personal reasons (in the example of the young girl, it was different religions and the boyfriend’s over possessive and controlling nature), etc. Then re evaluate yourself, as to whether you both have outgrown those reasons and have evolved as individuals where now compatibility and understanding can be achieved. Where you both can communicate your differences in opinion, personality and behaviour using a very rational mode of communication. If the answer is positive, then a long and clear communication with your ex awaits you. In case the answer is negative, then it is a great reminder for you to re-evaluate and consider your emotions for your ex.
Keep Communicating Your Individuality
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The most important thing to remember is that you are an individual. You are not answerable to your ex about your own personal life. You can date other people and you are no longer obligated to explain yourself to your ex. The more clear you are about your individuality, the less expectations you would communicate. Also find out reasons for your emotional dependency on your ex. This is vital for your individuality. Any kind of over psychological dependency can hamper your individuality.
You Can Never Be Responsible For Your Ex’s Emotions
Each and every individual has an independent thought process and a choice to deal with their life experiences in their own way. If you find your ex or yourself to feel responsible for each other, then we have a problem. Only you are responsible for your own emotions. If your ex has started dating someone else, and you are feeling insecure about it, it is only you who can deal with it. It is unhealthy to communicate your insecurity to your ex.
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The same holds true when you start dating someone else. Your ex has a choice to feel a range of emotions. If he chooses to feel hurt, then it is their responsibility to deal with it. If you have been communicating your individuality often and have set clear boundaries for your new friendship with your ex, then ideally, this should not even be a problem. However, we are human beings and we do have expectations. Therefore, it is important that no one partner carries the burden of the other person’s emotions on themselves.
Setting Clear Boundaries
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Talking about intimacy and past feelings towards each other can generate a surge of affection in your ex. Unless you are clear what you want out of this friendship, it is better to stay away from this uncharted territory. Your ex does not need to know everything that you do, and neither do you have to know everything about them.
Being friends with your ex is definitely a task. A lot of people make it happen in as easy a way as possible, and yet it can be hurtful to many. One thing to remember is that love between two people can never be lost. That love can evolve and take a different form. It is only when we accept this evolved form of love, that we can have fruitful relationships. Love need not always be passionate and romantic. When we understand and accept this, we can create a beautiful bond with our ex partners. So all the best creating this bond and making the friendship work!
